In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
