why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
