the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
