Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
