Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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