Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
