Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
