So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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