i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
