Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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