I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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