had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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