Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
