I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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