remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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