yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
