i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
