he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
