god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
