Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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