so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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