I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
