I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
