david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
