were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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