Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
