So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
