I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
