Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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