he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize