i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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