If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Panties = found
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
