the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize