where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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