Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
