I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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