Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
