My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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