Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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