There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
