I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My pussy is not your playground.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
