how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
