I must be too annoying 4 u.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
