broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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