i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
