I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
