if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
