Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
