this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
