Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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