The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
