I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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