I wish I could teleport
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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