Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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