I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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