rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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