We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I am mentally ready for anal.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
